Archive for the ‘Gas’ Category
I am thoroughly enjoying reading The Big Necessity: The Unmentionable World of Human Waste and Why It Matters by Rose George. And it’s not just for reading on the toilet! Fascinating.
I’ve been upping my speed on the treadmill and have decreased my time to run 5K on the treadmill from an average of 30 minutes to around 26 minutes. My best time so far has been 25:35. Yesterday at lunch I clocked in at 25:55 (I had to slow down toward the end because I had gas). And, though I haven’t been mentioning it, I’ve started to shed a few awful pounds. I’m loving the renewed energy. I was all excited because I was trying to compare my time to the 31:10 from the Corporate Challenge two years back, thinking that race was 5K. But no, it was 3.5 miles which is around 5.65K so I can’t figure out if I’m running faster or not. I don’t really feel like doing the math. I guess I will just have to start running the extra .65K on the treadmill and then compare the results. Arithmetically speaking, I’m doing my best!
So I’m going to have to go into outer space to quell my fecal anxiety? Why can’t they make these things for us mere earthlings!?
Clean and easy to use, the envisioned space toilet is designed to be worn like a diaper around the astronaut’s waist at all times. Sensors detect when the user relieves him or herself, automatically activating a rear-mounted suction unit that draws the waste away from the body through tubes into a separate container. In addition to washing and drying the wearer after each use, the next-generation space toilet will incorporate features that eliminate unwanted sound and odor.
Seriously, the Flaming Curmudgeon needs to get his gassy swish self and his entire flatulent family hooked up to one of these babies. We could power several busy restaurants, I’m certain. And keep from expanding the hole in the ozone. And the things are bright PINK which you know goes with my aura! Hallelujah for something in the news bringing joy to me. Whenever something has to do with farting and/or feces, the Flaming Curmudgeon is in the know! But I do have one small question, do the cows feel humiliated?
It is so wonderful to know that friends understand so completely the tortured psyche of the Flaming Curmudgeon. Fart cards. The only way to truly wish an aging swish the happiest of birthdays! It is a tradition in my family to send flatulent greetings for all occasions. We may be uptight, repressed, pedantic, but our clan is never shy when it comes to the many expressions of bodily gases. My aunt sent me this one (click to enlarge). Inside it reads: “I think you need some new batteries for your hearing aid.” (which is especially funny when you hear what happened at Sunday in the Park with George!
Last evening I had the pleasure of attending a small dinner get-together at the apartment of a young woman in my building. It was an April Fool’s dinner and there were several other people from the building there. The woman has a ten-year-old son (she is divorced) and I thought I ought to bring him something to mark the occasion. So after work I picked up three whoopee cushions (four, actually, it’s always good to have one around the house) and gave them to him. The kid didn’t stop experimenting with them the entire time and he was getting more adept at the wonderful orchestral nuances that can be achieved with the proper pressure and controlled expelling of air through a flaccid rubber hole. Fart humor still makes me teary-eyed with laughter. A good time was had by all. I also love how blurry the printing on these things has become. Like no one has updated the design or re-tooled the printing mechanism since whenever the first one was produced.